Narcissitic Boss

A Google search of “narcisstic boss” will turn up more than 3,000 entries. From the first page of links, we might quickly conclude that the world, or at least the corporate world, is filled with people with significant personality disorders. In a transcribed broadcast, Dr. Jeffrey Young, psychologist and author of “Reinventing your Life”, explains that most of us display a level of “healthy” narcissism. As he describes it, having a basic sense of self; for example, being proud of accomplishments, not letting others cut in front of you. Unhealthy narcissism moves from a sense of self to a sense of entitlement, a belief in being special, immunity to self-doubt, and most distinguishing a complete lack of empathy. The narcissist believes that he or she should have whatever is wanted, regardless of the feelings of others.

What then makes discussion about narcissism in the workplace such a popular topic? The narcissist presents to the world a facade of charm, ego and confidence. When combined with some level of capability, these personalities succeed by having (forcing?) others into service in support of their dream.

Regardless of the source you read, the strategies for dealing with a narcisstic boss are few; namely cooperate and comply. Any attempt to challenge, suggest that “you should” or “you don’t know”, will cause the boss to retaliate – the issue will prove to be your fault or responsibility. Find ways to support or acknowledge the areas that most matter to him or her. Never forget that the narcissistic is skilled actor and will use charm to bring you in; don’t be fooled. Any attempt on your part to create intimacy will be ridiculed; it implies you are an equal. Finally, recognize that most organizations tolerate the narcissist. If you can’t, then spend your energy on finding another opportunity, not in fighting a losing battle.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder – Wikipedia definition
A Field Guide To Narcissism by Carl Vogel
Power from Fast Company
Narcissism in the Workplace with Dr. Sam Vaknin

Isn't it Autumn?

In western society, our calendar (Gregorian) is based on the movement of the planet around the sun. It is specifically designed so that the time from one fixed point, such as a solstice or equinox, to the next is called a tropical year. Our seasons are then tied to these opposing solstice (winter and summer) and equinox (spring and autumn).

Living in China, I have been intrigued by the fact that the change in season - now Summer to Autumn - is declared by the government. It's not based on the relationship of the sun to our planet, or even under the Chinese Lunar calendar, the relationship of the moon to our planet. Rather the change in season is based upon having a specific number of days in below (or above) a certain temperature. Seems really quite practical, especially when policy is tied to the season - that is, when it's ok to turn on and off heaters and air-conditioners.

Many writers talk about the "seasons of life" - the autumn is usually depicted as the time after children leave the home, when we are harvesting our fields, when we are enjoying the fruits of our labor. The calendar (or your age) may define this to be spring, summer, autumn or winter of your life. Perhaps an authority defines the season; for example, companies have expectations of ages to do certain kinds of roles or even clear requirements on when you must retire. Maybe the season is defined by your actions.

Though I wonder, should the season be defined by you, your thoughts and attitude?


For a bit more on Autumn in China, see www.readsolutionsgroup.com/travelblog.html.
For more on calendars, enjoy the website webexhibits.org/calendars/index.html.

Silence - How do you use it?

Merriam Webster’s online dictionary gives three definitions for silence:

1 : forbearance from speech or noise : MUTENESS -- often used interjectionally
2 : absence of sound or noise : STILLNESS silence of the night>
3 : absence of mention: a : OBLIVION, OBSCURITY b : SECRECY silence>

Have you ever pondered how you use silence? Definition 1 points to a common usage of the word – as an interjection – think of the stereotype of the teacher yelling “SILENCE!” Rather a grim portrayal of the tool typically taught to aspiring coaches. Coaches are taught to use silence (forbear from speech) to see what else the client may have to say; to provide a space of acceptance; to portray intent listening. Silence is also the natural outcome of active listening. If the coach is listening to the client, she is not ready with the next question and a natural pause occurs.

A fellow coach suggests that we should listen not just to the words of our clients, but the silences. These spaces carry information on emotion, on truth and on what may be hidden.

We live in a world of noise – external and internal. The internal noise – the ever-chattering portion of our brain – makes it difficult to find ourselves, to find internal wisdom. Spiritual masters encourage us to use various forms of mediations to find the stillness within ourselves – allowing our wisdom or wisdom of our god to come forth. Alternatively, amidst the chatter of the monkey mind, can you turn your attention to the spaces between the thoughts? In the stillness of those spaces, what internal wisdom can you find?

Silence. Do you use it to quiet others? To encourage others to speak? As an element of active listening? As a carrier of the truth? As a vehicle for your internal wisdom?

How do you use silence?

Great Idea!

Do you recall the last time you thought to yourself, “That’s a great idea!” I’m going to do it.”

Did you do it?

More often than not, the concept or idea gets lost, whether due to other pressing needs, the excitement of a different great idea, or lack of action.

Then there are the times when the idea takes hold, you talk about it to everyone, you do some planning and testing the idea, and then... it dies away.

As complex human beings, we carry patterns of thought and action. Whatever excitement or interest we may have generated in the idea is caught in the web of our habits. To carry through on any idea, we have to change.

Perhaps you’re thinking, not every new idea requires a change of habit. I do new things all of the time. You probably do. But for how long? The habit associated with how we use our time, who we interact with, how much we use the computer, where we eat, the route we take to work, etc. are also supported by our habits of thought – How “should” I use my time? What is valuable to me? How does this reflect on me? Then on top of all of these are the “truths” or beliefs that we hold – No pain, no gain. Money does not grow on trees. Blood is thicker than water.

You’ll find many references on the web about ways to support a habit change that involve identifying the benefit, creating structures, making it hard to forget, enlisting the help of a friend, etc. These methods are fundamental to changing an action-based habit.

When you find yourself not able to make the change using all of these methods, you are probably being constrained by the beliefs you hold. Explore these beliefs, expose them to the light of day, consider how they benefit you right now, choose to hold or put down the belief and you may find yourself ready to implement that great idea.

Starting up my Coaching Blog

This blog is designed to capture new tidbits of information about coaching, being coached, coaching resources, building a coaching business. I look forward to providing you with useful content and gaining insights from you through your comments.

See you online!
Sherry