Listen to Respond or Listen to Understand?

Whether coaching leaders or talking with groups about leadership and conflict, I often ask the question, “How frequently are you listening in order to respond?” In group settings, it’s amazing to see how many people nod, and somewhat abashed, acknowledge that listening to respond is what they normally do. So I ask you, in the last interaction you had with a boss, co-worker, partner or child, were you listening to respond or listening to understand?

In this newsletter, we’ll contrast listening to respond with listening to understand and outline some steps you can take to increase your influence and change relationships.
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Listening is something we do when we are not talking.
Conversation is like tennis; it’s important to keep the ball moving and to win the point.
“You’re not listening.”
Looking up from the computer, “Yes, I am.”

Consider meetings you've attending and interactions you’ve had today; how much do the statements above describe you?

Now turn the question around, how much do those statements describe the other person(s) in the interaction? If the answer is a lot; how did that make you feel?

Many of us spend a lot of time hearing (possibly), but little time listening. During the course of a conversation, we are reacting, thinking about the next thing we are going to say, pondering whatever is going in our lives, looking for an opportunity to volley back the ball of the conversation or for an opportunity to score a point. The problem is that while we might keep the conversation afloat, the other person doesn’t necessarily feel heard, or worse, we’re set on scoring with an answer that was incomplete, off the mark or even destructive.

Now listening to understand can be hard work, so why bother? Think about a time when you were really heard, what do you think about the person who took that time? Do you respect them? Were they influential? Did you seek to avoid (or repair) conflict with them? True listeners may build deeper relationships, or they may just build better solutions; either way, they usually command greater respect and influence.

Listening to Understand
1. Choose to master your own emotions so that you can listen.
2. Know that the other person is interesting and set yourself a goal of learning what makes them so.
3. Remove your filters – notice what you are already believe about this person and let it go.
4. Ask thoughtful questions that
* Show that you are paying attention
* Move the conversation forward
* Challenge the other person to talk about what they are thinking and feeling.
5. Restate what you are hearing – the words, the feelings and the beliefs – and seek confirmation that you are hearing correctly.
6. Think before you speak (and not while you are listening).

You might argue that there’s too much to do to spend extra time listening. The challenge to you might be, how could you do this with the same amount of time (or even less) and have better relationships and relationships?

Please comment on this article, share your experiences, and give your suggestions around listening to understand.

Is Hard Work Enough?

You've met them - the colleagues and friends who are dedicated to their job. They spend 12 hours a day, nights and weekends meeting with customers, solving problems, researching alternatives, writing reports, making presentations, delivering results; yet others get the opportunities and promotions. They are as smart (or possibly smarter) than their bosses. They can see the problems and solutions. They know what should be done. And look at the work they continue to deliver. Maybe if they just work a bit harder?

In their book, Execution, Larry Bossidy and Ram Charan talk about the "doer" - "the person who is a little less conceptual but is absolutely determined to succeed will usually find the right people and get them together to achieve objectives". The doer doesn't hang his or her hat on the right answer, the right solution, the correct and detailed report. The doers are the ones "who energize people, are decisive on tough issues, get things done through others, and follow through as second nature."

Energizing Others

Energy starts with a vision and direction; yet the leaders who create, rather than drain energy from their colleagues and teams, are the ones who turn that picture of success into short-term accomplishments, increased capabilities and increased confidence. Think of the coaches who stand on the sidelines yelling at their teams, where the players operate from fear of failure. Now think of the coaches who keep the focus on the next play, point on the good moves, identify what should be done differently next time, and push the players to prepare well physically and mentally for each game. It's not just the rhetoric, it's not the vision of a winning game, it's the focus on each step toward the winning game.

Being Decisive

Being decisive and being right are too often confused in the minds of those colleagues working all hours. Being right can lead to over-analysis. It can lead to an answer that is optimal but too radical. It can lead to rigidity when flexibility is required.

By contrast, "decisiveness is the ability to make difficult decisions swiftly and well, and act on them", according to Bossidy and Charan. It is the combination of the ability to confront a tough situation, make a sound decision,and lead others forward, that can separate the good thinker from the doer.

Achieving Through and With Others

Yet as pointed out above, the good decision, well-articulated, is insufficient for true success. It is only through developing and using influence skills that the doer accomplishes the necessary outcomes. The successful doer builds a social network that enables her to stay on top of shifting organizational priorities and maintain valuable relationships. He knows how much support to ask for, and when. She knows where she can count on support and where she has something of value that will help to gain support. He knows that communication up, down and sideways on the objectives, key steps, milestones, challenges, and achievements is key for keeping an initiative on track and people supportive of the outcomes. She has learned that organizations are made of interdependent people, and only by developing in herself, and in others, new and better ways to work together will success be achieved.

When you see your colleagues with their head down, working all hours, striving for the best, and wondering why they seem to be passed over time and time again, ask them to consider the following:

• What portion of your time is spent getting to the right answer compared to making sure you understand whether you are working on the current priorities? Compare that picture with others. What might be the benefits of shifting your time allocation?
• What portion of your time is spent on task vs relationship? How does that compare to the people being promoted?
• What is your energy like on a daily basis? Are you creating or draining the energy of the people around you?
• Are you making decisions on issues at the right level for your job, neither too detailed, nor too high-level?
• What systems do you have in place to keep informed about shifting organizational (and personal) priorities?
• Do you adjust your approach to meet the needs of the people around you?
• How can you learn more about the needs and wants of the people who work above, along side, and for you? What can you do with that information that supports both their success and your own?
• How do you handle conflict in ways that advance your cause?
• What ways do you have of getting clear and effective feedback and of continually developing yourself?
  

Strong skills, talents, and hard work are prerequisites to success, yet they are insufficient in most organizations. Working up, down and sideways; knowing your own and other's motivators; enhancing energy; being decisive at the right level; and knowing how to influence others, frequently outweigh working hard to find the correct answer. Most often, a range of solutions will work - the win then goes to the one who can bring about the results, while building capability and energy for the next challenge in the people around them.

If you'd like to learn more about how to develop behaviors in your organization that deliver results while building capability and energy, please contact me.

Challenges in Adapting

Recent posts have been exploring the seven behaviors most commonly seen in derailing a career. [Links connect to original publication in Read Solutions Group newsletter.]

• Believing that skill and results are the sole keys to success
• Being arrogant and not open to feedback, introspection and personal growth
• Consistently acknowledging yourself for the successes and blaming others for the failures
• Failing to staff and develop a strong team
• Lack of composure
• Unwilling to adapt to change and compromise
• Inability to develop a strong professional network, internal and external to the organization.

From the final two career stallers – willingness to change and expecting results to be the key to success – with change present in my life, we’ll focus on the outcomes of resisting change and compromise, what might ensue during a change and how you can support yourself and others in change and compromise.

Let’s start with some definitions appropriate for this career staller, offered by www.dictionary.com:

To adapt is to adjust oneself to different conditions, environment, etc.

• Change, the noun, means the supplanting of one thing by another.
• To compromise is to settle difference by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocal modification of demands. An alternative definition for compromise used, as a noun, is an endangering, especially of reputation; exposure to danger, suspicion, etc.
• Willingness is freedom from reluctance; readiness of the mind to do or forbear.

This staller appears in the person who seems to resist new programs, philosophies or even people. They may be seen as disagreeing inappropriately, vocally, or perhaps subversively with senior management. Conversely, Buckingham and Clifton in their book, Now, Discover Your Strengths define the person with a strength in adaptability as one who lives in the moment, seeing the future not as a fixed destination but one that is discovered a choice at a time. The adaptable person responds willingly to current demands, even if pulled from original plans.

With credit markets and currencies gyrating wildly, with companies turning overnight from sound financial institutions to those warranting a government bailout, an ever-increasing pace of change is a certainty. If so, then does adaptability become even more important – perhaps a key competency to develop? Adaptable behaviors will involve a readiness to explore change, openness to new ideas and the opinions of others, and skill at challenging ideas and people in constructive ways.

At the base is what Runde and Flanagan in Becoming a Conflict Competent Leader: How You and Your Organization Can Manage Conflict Effectively define as the passive-constructive behavior of “adapting”. They define adapting behavior as “staying flexible and trying to make the best out of situation”. This can range from taking a positive attitude, to making adjustments that will minimize unnecessary problems in the future. At the most skillful level, active-constructive conflict behaviors include “perspective taking” and “creating solutions”; that is, the ability to clearly understand the other person’s point of view and then to work with them to arrive at a resolution.

At the heart of change is conflict – conflict in perceptions of the “right way”, conflict in understanding, conflict in expected outcomes, conflicts in beliefs and knowledge, conflicts with prior experience. Increasing skills in conflict management becomes key in improving adaptability. When we are clearer on whether a change is worth it, and learn how to make the change, then we can move forward. Skillful conflict management enables an individual to dig into the why, to be clear on the impact, to explore what is known and what is not, and then to create a solution that skirts endangerment and allows for broader success.

Runde and Flanagan offer the following suggestions for these constructive conflict behaviors:

• Listen to understand rather than debate
• Practice active listening to ensure that you are clearly hearing the message
• Never stop at one potential solution
• Explore the viability of multiple options to gain greater understanding of the constraints
• Gain agreement on the path forward and possible future decision points

Not only is change inevitable, the pace of change continues to accelerate. So, where does that leave the serenity prayer that suggests that you should “ask for the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference?” Perhaps the wisdom lies in knowing that the only thing in our lives over which we have control is ourselves. When we couple with that the wisdom that changing ourselves can be extraordinarily difficult, perhaps we’ll also find the courage and skill to willingly adapt to change.

Maintain Your Composure

Few articles start without an internet search, and this one was no different.I found that among the definitions of composure a band named Composure and a number of drugs, including one for pets. Merriam-Webster Online defines composure as a "calmness or repose especially of mind, bearing, or appearance: self-possession." I couldn't resist following the link to self-possession and finding this further definition, "control of one's emotions or reactions especially when under stress: presence of mind." And on to presence of mind to find "self-control so maintained in an emergency or in an embarrassing situation that one can say or do the right thing.

As I followed this trail, the challenges with our language became clear. Dictionary.com defines composure as "serene, self-controlled state of mind; calmness; tranquility", yet I suspect few of the leaders giving people development feedback are asking them to become tranquil. Rather, pulling together the Merriam Webster trail, composure as we use it in the workplace is about controlling one's reactions, especially under stress, in order to say or do the right thing. It's not about being perpetually calm. It's not even about controlling your emotion: passion is fine, anger is not. It's about what you CHOOSE to do, say, or display and therefore about gaining control.

How do you gain control? Become aware of your hot buttons. When do you become especially upset? Are you bothered by people who are unreliable? What about people who are untrustworthy? Does close monitoring of work, perhaps micro-managing make you crazy? Perfectionisms? Too much detail? Sarcasm? Insults? Roadblocks? Yelling? Once you have identified your hot button(s), reflect on what in these situations causes you the biggest concern. Consider what steps you can take to minimize or avoid situations where your hot buttons are triggered. Evaluate how you would prefer to respond in future situations. Develop a set of strategies for cooling down, for riding it out, or for changing the dynamic. Consider ways in which you might be able to have a positive impact on the situation or person, before, during or after the event. Enlist a partner in providing feedback, intervening, or making suggestions.

Change requires a number of steps: identifying your goals, defining actions, experimenting, getting feedback, staying the course and celebrating the win. If lack of composure is something that might be holding back someone in your organization, consider using feedback, assessments, coaches, observation, and experimentation to assist them in their development.

Remember, when you hear a message about composure, it is is not about stress reduction, achieving tranquility or creating a calm environment. It is about saying, doing and modeling the right things under stress.

Always keep your composure.
You can't score from the penalty box; and to win, you have to score.
Bobby Hull, Canadian Hockey Player