Listen to Respond or Listen to Understand?

Whether coaching leaders or talking with groups about leadership and conflict, I often ask the question, “How frequently are you listening in order to respond?” In group settings, it’s amazing to see how many people nod, and somewhat abashed, acknowledge that listening to respond is what they normally do. So I ask you, in the last interaction you had with a boss, co-worker, partner or child, were you listening to respond or listening to understand?

In this newsletter, we’ll contrast listening to respond with listening to understand and outline some steps you can take to increase your influence and change relationships.
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Listening is something we do when we are not talking.
Conversation is like tennis; it’s important to keep the ball moving and to win the point.
“You’re not listening.”
Looking up from the computer, “Yes, I am.”

Consider meetings you've attending and interactions you’ve had today; how much do the statements above describe you?

Now turn the question around, how much do those statements describe the other person(s) in the interaction? If the answer is a lot; how did that make you feel?

Many of us spend a lot of time hearing (possibly), but little time listening. During the course of a conversation, we are reacting, thinking about the next thing we are going to say, pondering whatever is going in our lives, looking for an opportunity to volley back the ball of the conversation or for an opportunity to score a point. The problem is that while we might keep the conversation afloat, the other person doesn’t necessarily feel heard, or worse, we’re set on scoring with an answer that was incomplete, off the mark or even destructive.

Now listening to understand can be hard work, so why bother? Think about a time when you were really heard, what do you think about the person who took that time? Do you respect them? Were they influential? Did you seek to avoid (or repair) conflict with them? True listeners may build deeper relationships, or they may just build better solutions; either way, they usually command greater respect and influence.

Listening to Understand
1. Choose to master your own emotions so that you can listen.
2. Know that the other person is interesting and set yourself a goal of learning what makes them so.
3. Remove your filters – notice what you are already believe about this person and let it go.
4. Ask thoughtful questions that
* Show that you are paying attention
* Move the conversation forward
* Challenge the other person to talk about what they are thinking and feeling.
5. Restate what you are hearing – the words, the feelings and the beliefs – and seek confirmation that you are hearing correctly.
6. Think before you speak (and not while you are listening).

You might argue that there’s too much to do to spend extra time listening. The challenge to you might be, how could you do this with the same amount of time (or even less) and have better relationships and relationships?

Please comment on this article, share your experiences, and give your suggestions around listening to understand.

Listening for Feedback

Your performance review will often generate feedback. The problem is that it is natural to accept feedback that is consistent with your view of your performance and your self-image, and to reject feedback that is inconsistent. But if you don't know what you don't know and/or your perception of standards and requirements differ from your bosses, you may reject crucial information for your development and success.

It is never easy to receive feedback, nor is it often easy for the person giving you the feedback. Here are some tips for taking advantage of this difficult process.

1. Suspend judgement. Don't try to analyze on the spot whether the feedback is "right" or "wrong". Treat the feedback as data to be gathered.
2. Practice active listening. Summarize and reflect back what you hear with your best listening skills. This part of the process is about accurately collecting the data without distortion.
   
3. Make sure you have clarified the information without becoming defensive. Questions along the lines of "I hear what you are saying about my performance; I'm wondering if you can give me a specific example of when I've done that?" Note that this approach is not challenging of the information or the perspective, it is simply gathering more information.
4. Thank the person for giving you the feedback, whether you agree with it or not. Let them know that you want to process the information and, perhaps, respond later.
5. Continue your data gathering by checking in with another trusted source. Again, control your defensiveness. If you approach a friend with "Can you believe he said that I...", you will receive emotional support while minimizing your opportunity to learn. Try instead, "I'm trying to get a better perspective on what the boss is saying; have you seen or heard me acting in X fashion?"
6. When you have a clear picture of the feedback, along with supporting evidence and stories, consider how you will respond to the feedback. Is there potentially a blind spot that you need to learn more about? What part of this situation do you own? Is some of this only one person's perspective? Is it possible that the perspective is more widely held than you think; how can you investigate that?
7. It is easy to react to feedback; much more difficult to choose how to respond. Take your time to decide what you will do with the information and how you might reply.

For additional tips, see How to Receive Feedback with Grace and Dignity by Susan Heathfield.

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Performance Feedback Wrap-up: Send me an email on the good, the bad and the ugly of this round of performance reviews, and I will summarize the most interesting anecdotes in an upcoming column. Remember, we learn from reflections on our own triumphs and challenges, as well as from the experiences of others.